The Ballad of the Great Ear Closer

I WAS TWENTY-FOUR the first time I tried to close my ears. They had been getting wider for some time. I had complained to the doctors about the two gaping holes in the side of my head. But they had said there was nothing they could do. Ears come like that, they said. It's natural, they said. I thought them a little stupid. I told them they'd been growing for a while now, my ear holes. I shouted at them and slammed the door, a bit childish for an adult I’ll admit, but one can’t expect any less from a man with two open orifices in the back sides of his face. So I stayed at home all day and practiced closing my ears. Close, close, close, I meditated.

But they just got wider and wider. I could barely stick my pinky finger in before. Then my fist entered easily. My headphones stopped fitting. But the ear holes continued opening, unhindered. I found myself dropping things in them by accident. Coins, paper clips, keys, little packages of saved condiments from the refrigerator. My grandmother came to visit one day. I had answered the bell. I had said come on in. And she had gotten lost, unable to find the door, walking into my ear instead. Sometimes I can still hear her knitting needles clicking together in there.

So I kept trying to close my ears, but with no luck. I was ready to give up. At first, I didn’t feel a thing. Then one day it happened. I was practicing over some potato chips and a trashy talk show on TV. I heard a crinkle. Like cellophane being disturbed. I rushed to the bathroom mirror and found that I really could close my ears on command. They had folded in on themselves. It was enough to put ear-wiggling clowns out of business.

I can close my ears, I declared out the window, inviting others to join in the revelry. Swimming was finally manageable again. I never had trouble with insomnia anymore. Sandstorms became more tolerable. And these days when I find some people a nuisance, I secretly close my ears. I act interested. I nod. I pretend like I understand what they’re saying. As if I were actually listening. I close the cavernous holes.

lawl. this was cute. It has a very classic feel to it. i like it

*giggles*

i love this.