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Kyoko-_**
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PostSubject: ~untitled~   Tue Aug 19, 2008 7:29 am

alright! i'm not good at writing this kind of stuff because i usually write news articles... lol!
i haven't chosed any appropriate title yet... help me? ^^
i already posted this one at AD but i didn't get any comments yet... so here!


-----------------


“And stay out!” The cook yelled at Akiha as she scurried along her path. The smell of delicious curry tore her stomach. She can never eat something delectable again.

As the owls hoot around into the night, Akiha entered the forest with that same blank look. She’s obviously not thinking that the forest was dangerous especially at night. But the thought of blood that spilled that same time made her choose the wrong way. Losing someone very important could’ve made her lose her mind. But she didn’t, because she longed to see her again. And she can tell that this night, as the full moon rose up into the dark sky, the devil would appear yet again.

Her mind brought her on the same spot near the spring where the many herbs sprout. She was feeling nervous while waiting. But she can’t even understand herself for why she came back. What if she’ll kill me too? What if I die today? What if... Questions keep on echoing in her mind. Her anxiety made her jump to a nearby bush. I have to stay hidden. I
still don’t want to die. I just want to see her one more time.
The fact that she’s going to see her again made her really tense. She’s gonna see the one who killed her father. But after she sees her, what’s she gonna do next?

The breeze that night felt so cold that she chilled throughout. The rags she wore worsened her condition. But her long black hair played with the wind as it howled and then... she got her wish. The strange wind formed a big circle on the waters and a shower of red-purple petals rained along and surrounded the spring.

“Oh, no! Belladonna!” The sweet aroma of the herbs cannot be sensed anymore but only the scent of deadly nightshade which saturated the place. Akiha immediately covered her nose and mouth.

“Come out!” A voice was heard. Akiha’s heartbeat got fast. She seems no longer chilled but sweats all over. She was very afraid. Oh no! She found me! What next? Think, Akiha!

“Wow! You found me! You’re pretty amazing.” Another voice was heard. A little boy appeared. The color of his skin signifies the Él tribe. He was wearing a white sweater with a long grey scarf around his neck covering the lower part of his face. His black hair shone under the moonlight. His shorts were in a color black and had his feet protected by only slippers, but his body was emitting an aura different from that of the normal. But despite these, his body was only that of a ten-year-old boy.

“Don’t play with me, little boy. You shouldn’t have hid yourself if you went with the obvious.” A maiden stood with her wooden slippers at the very center of the pool. She wears her long black hair in a ponytail and wears a kimono with a black sash but the skirt was shorter in length which was just an inch below the knee. The colours of the kimono were unusually pale as was her lips. She was beautiful with her bangs covering her forehead but you can really fill the chill up your spine when you look at her dark eyes... as if you’ve been transferred to oblivion.

“Well then, I shouldn’t have played games. My name is Yuuji Jena, and I challenge you to a fight.” He was confident as he said these words. Defeating someone of great repute can earn him great respect back at his village. But his journey to the Ofi realm to fight the guardian of the red spring was a foolish act. The guardian keeps many secrets. Some say she was immortal, some say she’s just a ghost who do nothing but scare people away. But these are just rumors. Because the only thing that’s true with the gossips is that she’s exceptionally powerful. Truly, this was a decision made by a little boy.

“You’re pretty young to be a warrior of El. You must be really smart then. Okay, let’s get this over with.” Without hesitation, the guardian immediately made her act. Not a technique but just a simple whirling motion that made her poisonous petals fly around. She raised her slender arms at level with her shoulders and as she spins, poisonous dust came shooting out of her palms. Her gyration made the place too poisonous for someone to breathe. But it seems that she was just fooling around with the boy as she smiled her way in throwing daggers at him.

“You can’t easily defeat me like that. And your poison doesn’t affect me. Be serious!” Yuuji said as he evaded the daggers. He countered her move by throwing strings that had the guardian entrapped as Yuuji called out flames to roast her alive. But, Yuuji made a mistake. The guardian was nowhere to be found. “Here I am, little boy!” She sprung from above and touched Yuuji’s head with her forefinger and placing herself at a balance while upside-down.

Yuuji cannot move a muscle. He looked calm but was panicking inside. How can this be? I cannot move! How can I defeat her? He wasn’t paying attention at the situation he’s into. The guardian concentrated her energy in her forefinger and immediately added force that made Yuuji drilled into the ground. In his terror, he moved his arms releasing power to break the earth forming rifts in order to escape the guardian’s snare.

“That was close.” Yuuji said while panting.

“You said I have to be serious. But, you yourself aren’t serious about this fight so why should I be?” The guardian said. “A child of Él performing the arts of the Ofi and of the Tonok? How amusing.”

“Sorry if I disappointed you. If you want serious, then I’ll give you serious!” Yuuji was panic-stricken that resulted his indecision. He immediately released his unique aura that had the placed cleaned out of poison but annihilated its vegetation.

“You’re destroying my herbs! Fine then...” The guardian had the remaining plants protected by a barrier and at that moment, she made her move.

“This is for you little boy! Let’s see if you can still get out of it!” She ran near Yuuji to get closer but he blocked her way using his obliterating energy to form a weapon. As a result, she breathed out a mist of poison that made Yuuji lose his concentration. She then jumped and faced Yuuji upside-down while on air and made eye-contact. And then, the color of her iris changed. From black to plum-red, her iris controlled the situation. The peculiar aura that the boy released was
drained by her iris causing her to contain it inside a red stone.

Yuuji was shocked by his loss of strength but continued on fighting but he failed. The toxin that the guardian released earlier was specially made to destroy the internal organs of the enemy. This means, Yuuji was slowly dying from the start. The guardian then turned the surroundings back to its earlier form which made the place no longer poisonous and
her herbs and other shrubs grew back at a faster rate.

“I lost.” Yuuji uttered as he stood up to face his opponent. “You were more powerful and shrewd than I thought. And I even lost more than my confidence.”

“You mean your odd energy?” She threw the red stone at the boy.

“Here. Break it and you’ll have it back.” The guardian then turned around and stepped on the waters where she made her entrance earlier.

“You’re going back?” Yuuji ran at her instantly to stop her.

“Why?” She said in reply.

“Please, I want to be your student. Teach me more.”

“But why should I?”

“You returned my powers back. I thank you for that. But you had me nearly defeated earlier. If I hadn’t released my peerless aura, you must’ve killed me already. I haven’t even showed off some techniques from my country. I want to be your student. I’m still young and with you, I can obtain more erudition than with other teachers”

“Yuuji, dear, you’re too young to die. I gave your powers back because you came here for a fight and not for the mystery of this spring.”

“So, you’re gonna make me your student?”

“I’m just six years older than you. I’m not as wise as you thought. Besides, I already had an eye for another person here but it seems that you have great potential. Sure.” She then breathed cure to Yuuji for his internal burns as he dozed off out of exhaustion.

“You are priceless, little boy. But someone’s here watching us fight. And I especially showed up tonight just for her.”

Watching the match was Akiha still hidden in a bush. Her cover wasn’t destroyed by Yuuji’s energy so she continuously watched everything that occurred.

“Dear Akiha. Come out if you please.” The guardian asked her as she smiled towards a honeysuckle bush. She was completely frozen from fear during the battle. But, the guardian’s soft voice hypnotized Akiha to show herself. “I... I... I’m sorry...”


---------

please give comments... ^^

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PostSubject: Re: ~untitled~   Tue Aug 19, 2008 8:09 am

that was good, if a little odd, i liked it over all, good usage of descriptive words and an awesome array of imagery.
i give it a 8/10

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PostSubject: Re: ~untitled~   Tue Aug 19, 2008 8:11 am

a little odd? could you expand this remark?

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PostSubject: Re: ~untitled~   Tue Aug 19, 2008 8:18 am

It ended oddly, it starts out with akiha and ends with some weird boy fighting thi legendary creature thing

it doesnt explain much about eithers backgrounds
or why they are doing what they do
dont take my critique to heart tho, im not great at this critic crap anyway

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PostSubject: Re: ~untitled~   Tue Aug 19, 2008 8:20 am

lol!

that's because there's a continuation..... ^^


do you want me to post the continuation?


writing this actually gave me the idea of writing a book...... so this one's actually chapter 1....

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PostSubject: Re: ~untitled~   Tue Aug 19, 2008 8:27 am

ah well i dotn wanna read a book lol
its 6:30 in the mornign here so its kinda a pain for me to read this stuff now
overall it was good but i prefer mystery stories like ones the Dean koontz writes.

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PostSubject: Re: ~untitled~   Tue Aug 19, 2008 8:28 am

lol! ^^




i'm not gonna post the continuation anyways..... i'm gonna wait for more comments... ^^

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Last edited by Kyoko-_** on Wed Aug 20, 2008 5:13 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: ~untitled~   Tue Aug 19, 2008 8:40 am

lol ok

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PostSubject: Re: ~untitled~   Thu Aug 21, 2008 2:23 pm

Your word choice is lovely, kyoko, as well as the plot of the piece. For being a first chapter, theres alot of action. I think you will have to characterize slowly tiough, as not to disrupt the flow of the piece. You use good description as well, btw. Very Happy

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PostSubject: Re: ~untitled~   Thu Aug 21, 2008 4:27 pm

Yes yes Words, Grammer, Puntuation, spelling, all the basics. Well Written and Versed. But at the same time, dull.

Dull: It did not peek my interest or make me want to read much more than the second paragraph. I love your style of writing, But this was a miss. Perhaps it was a bit predictable, I know that is harsh, but unless you add a little spice to this one... I am Sorry.

I know this was rather cruel, espescially from me, but I know how good you are so keep going strong.

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PostSubject: Re: ~untitled~   Sun Aug 24, 2008 6:22 am

its ok really... ^^

i am asking for comments and not praises... being an editor and a feature writer at our school pub gives me great advantage in grammar etcetera but writing a whole story is somewhat new... so, i'm still trying to improve...

here's the second chapter... ^^

----------

She was frightened from the guardian’s grin. She was spellbound by the contagion that had the place filled up. But she was still at sane as she looked at the guardian’s eyes. It wasn’t what she had expected. Those eyes aren’t that of a murderer, but that of someone who’s untainted, someone pure.

“How’d you know my name?” Akiha spoke to her keenly. A murderer couldn’t have possibly known her target’s background. She’d just slay it and it’s over... nothing more.

“That’s because I’ve been watching you.”

“Watching me? I don’t understand. Why? Who are you, really?”

“How rude of me, I haven’t even introduced myself. My name is Suiko of the Ashikaga clan. I can’t really explain everything to you right now. As you can see, I have Yuuji here who needs rest. Besides, this isn’t an appropriate place to talk. Akiha, come with me.”

“Come with you? Now why would I do that?”

“You’d do that because you want answers. You want to know why I killed your father, don’t you? You also want to know why I didn’t kill you earlier. Now, if you want to come with me, follow me.”

Suiko carried Yuuji on her back and walked towards the center of the spring. Akiha was still confused and was a little dizzy from the poison’s smell. She looked at Suiko as she disappeared.

“Huh? Where’d she go?” She stepped into the waters and noticed that she was walking on it. She was surprised because she knew that only ninjas can do that because they can easily control their busaw. She marched towards the center and, much to her surprise, a hand appeared from underneath and pulled her. She screamed but it’s useless because no one can hear her underwater. She calmed down after seeing Suiko trying to tell her to swim towards the bottom of the spring.

At the bottom was an orb glowing in a bright red. This was the reason why the people named it ‘The Red Spring’. Is this the treasure they’re talking about? Akiha thought to herself, but it wasn’t. Suiko held her grasp and touched the orb. And then, the three was enveloped by a strange light and was transferred to a strange place.

“Welcome to my humble home!” Suiko greeted her warmly as she opened a sliding paper panel of a certain room. The guardian’s abode was
an old palace but was kept in good shape. They went inside a room where Yuuji can take a rest. The furniture inside was unlike the other old palaces where it only contains a mat where you can sleep on. This one has complete fittings and a nice bed placed at the center of a wall. Suiko laid Yuuji on the bed and opened another panel door which leads outside.

“Sit here beside me, Akiha.” Suiko sat down and looked up at the stars.

The garden outside was beautiful. Lovely azaleas, cut-leaf maples and pines surrounded the place. A pond was placed nearby with austere sand, stones, bushes and paths that elaborately arrayed the area.

Akiha sat beside Suiko quietly. She’s still afraid of her, but as she looked at her face, she noticed that they somehow looked alike. But it seems that the moonlight was just playing with her eyes as it flickered when the wind passed by.

“This is such a nice house, don’t ‘ya think? But it’s getting pretty lonely sometimes.” Suiko said.

“You live here alone?” Akiha finally spoke to her.

“No. I live here with my aunt. But she’s already old. She said so herself that she needs to rest.” Suiko answered.

“Is that why you took that little boy in?”

“That’s one of the reasons.”

Akiha couldn’t think of anything more to say. She simply smiled as the two of them listened to the crickets. She seemed so comfortable now. She even forgot her fear of Suiko and also forgot to ask about his father’s death.

“This is such a wonderful night. But we need to take a rest because we have a lot more to do tomorrow. So, let’s go, Akiha.” Suiko
said when she noticed Akiha’s drowsiness.

“Go where?” Akiha replied.

“To your room, silly! You’re my guest. I’m not gonna allow you to sleep on the floor.” Akiha stood up and followed her. Suiko closed
the panel doors after kissing Yuuji’s forehead goodnight.

“You just met him earlier and now you act like his mother?” Akiha teased the guardian as they walked down the hallway.

“He is gonna live with me now. So, I have to take good care of him. Oh! We’re here!” Suiko replied and opened the door.

“This is my room? It’s even bigger than Yuuji’s!” Akiha’s eyes grew big out of fascination.

“It’s yours for the meantime. Now, go on and rest. Over the bed are your sleeping clothes. Goodnight, Akiha.”

“Thank you. But I’m just here to ask you some questions. I’m leaving after I get my answers.”

“Oh... okay. We’ll talk tomorrow then” Suiko turned around and closed the door.

“Goodnight, Suiko.” Akiha whispered at the door.

Suiko smiled happily after hearing Akiha’s voice and went to her room.

...

Suiko entered Akiha’s room with a bouquet of peonies she picked from the trees at the garden. She carefully arranged it in a white china vase. Akiha woke up the minute a robin flew inside her room.

“Good morning, Akiha!” Suiko greeted her cheerfully.

“The peonies are beautiful. Red peonies are rare in this part of the country. And, good morning to you too, Suiko.” Akiha stood up and noticed the beautiful view of the garden outside.

“Isn’t it more beautiful to look at the garden when it’s morning? You didn’t notice the azaleas and tree peonies’ flowers last night. Now, what we need to do is for you to take a nice hot bath. Your bathroom is over there. Just open that door and you’ll find yourself inside. I’ll cook breakfast while you clean yourself, so if you need anything, I’m in the kitchen.” Suiko left and went towards Yuuji’s room to check on him.

Akiha explored the large room and looked at the intricate carvings of the wooden furniture. Then, she entered the bathroom and turned the faucet on. She noticed that there was another door leading to the closet and opened it. A lovely kimono was set on a table for her with an attached note that says ‘wear this’. She also noticed that there are many clothes inside the closet. There must have been someone who owns this room. There are so many clothes set for her. Akiha went back to the bathroom and set foot inside the tub.

...

“Miss Suiko, thank you for keeping me here. But, is it really okay?” Yuuji asked the guardian as she arranged the bed for him.

“It’s okay. I’m not good at teaching, and my skills are from my bloodline. So, I can’t possibly teach them to you. I took you in because you need to be cured.” She answered.

“It’s okay if you don’t teach me anything. I was just amazed by your ways and principles. Besides, I have nowhere to go to. I already resigned as a ninja at my village when I told them I’m gonna fight you. They think it was foolish. And, they’re right after all.”

“Hey, you can stay here all you want. I’m lonely here. I need your company.”

“Are you not afraid that I could be a spy?”

“I’m not. I can see your past in your eyes. It’s an ability that my family has. That’s to make sure that the people around us can be trusted.”

“Wow. That’s incredible.”

“You know what? I think I could be your master after all. I can teach you how to use those hidden abilities inside
you.”

“Thank you, nee-sama.”

Suiko smiled as Yuuji called her big sister. She felt her heart got fat while the words echoed inside her mind. She longed for a sister or a brother. But alas, her mother died protecting the spring.

“Big sister, you brought that girl with us here too, right?” Yuuji remembered seeing Akiha hidden in a bush.

“Yes. Want to know a secret?” Suiko leaned to Yuuji and smiled.

“Sure! What is it?” Yuuji curiously asked her.

“That girl Akiha. She’s my twin sister.”

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